Drown

It’s a feeling
I can tell you that
but to pin it down
that’s the real puzzlement
it’s a fact

I am happy
when I am present
but I am not
It is a paradox of feelings…
that relieved sensation after vomiting

It hurts, not really
I married apathy, yet
to each feeling, a trigger
I married apathy who had an affair with envy
But I am not envious,
it is just this feeling, that is inexplicable

I paste a smile on my face
I am genuine, or at least trying to be
But no one gets fooled,
The fake-ness of it all
Escapes through my eyes

I am not jealous, for
there is nothing to be jealous of
I love it, I love that it’s happening
but I detest its existence now
I abhor the happiness that’s surrounding me
But I am in love with the joy that its amplifying

I am helpful, I am swallowing this lump
in my throat, that harnesses that rage
wait, it’s not rage, it’s not that at all
nor is it bitterness,
nor is it discontent
I am just an outsider of this situation
the war going on inside of me
is about me, for me and by me

I am grasping for breath
I am counting, before speaking
to ease the screams inside
the ones that pierce your ears
the ones that haunt you at night

I am grasping for air
I am hyperventilating,
What is this feeling?
I cannot coin the term
It is not feeling apathetic,
for I do feel something,
but not towards anyone, or anything
What I am feeling is introverted
Understood by me
and for me

I am drowning
in my own raging sea of emotions
Ones so wild, that harnessing them
in a straight jacket and throwing
them in the sea,
will actually calm
the internal
turmoil

drowning

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3 thoughts on “Drown

  1. Some people call it an emotional roller coaster,I call it facing your demons, opening up old wounds, digging deep into the darkest abyss of your mind and heart..in the end, you’re going to blossom into a beautiful tough flower with spikier thorns to protect her from life’s and people’s deceptions 🙂 Yet, you’ll be gentle to touch and hopefully not smelly 😛 hahah ❤ Much love!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dearest, it’s not resentment, it’s a bubble of feelings that I literally cannot define, or find a word that would!
    I have surpassed that stage of roller-coaster ups and downs, now I am sailing on peaceful waves, I am at peace 🙂

    Like

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