For Jessica

I came home
it was dark and after midnight
I went out on a Monday
a taboo back in the day
but not anymore
because I feel like I own it
(says the idiotic mature voice in my head)

I left high off of energy
I cleaned the house
and my insides were boiling
wrath, the ultimate high

I had the first sip of my drink
it felt like morphine
it’s seductive,
it sedated and calmed the storm within

I felt elevated
I had great conversation
I was even pointed out on the wordy quantity
I had leaving my mouth

I was even pointed out
on the alternations that happened in a year
some were disappointing, others were eye opening

It rained, oh it rained
as I sat there in the dim lit bar
with great company with ice melting
crackling on the sides of the cup
It was nice, (what an underrated word)
I was sedated, balancing on the ropes of sobriety
and wordy, oh so wordy

Lightening firework-ed the sky
from time to time, in celebration of winter
and the bar’s first taste of rain

It was time to leave
I wrapped myself in winter attire and wobbled myself to the car

Home, oh so clean
it feels rewarding, the masking floral scent
of deadly detergents gets you happily high
with a sense of accomplishment

However, there was something missing
I felt my heart skip a beat, and not the good kind
I opened the room, I saw dust bunnies waltzing
on the floor, an empty bed with no bed sheets

It felt like a tornado stripped the room
out of its items, its clothes and most importantly
its life

“what the fuck?” I felt a surge of tears
gathering themselves from my gut
to flow from my tear ducts

“She left” the voice of reason echoed in my head
“She had to”
I shook my head so as to shake the thought away
it’s funny how humans do that

I went to my room and sat on the bed
like a little girl whose best friend moved to a new city
and cried, I cried with all my might
I haven’t cried in a while, nothing has ever moved me much
in the past 2 years for me to cry
I was in shock that I could cry
that an empty room can insinuate a breakdown
Why does everyone have to go?
why do you have to go?
What’s have to go?
No one has to go anywhere, 
you want to go so you go, there is no 
have in going, you either go or not

 

I yelled as salty tears reddened my cheeks
I yelled at 1 am, I felt alone
with all this tough shell
he, yes he saw me
breakdown and beak-out of this hardened shell
that I have spent years building
and sit there like a little girl
whose sister moved away
like a little girl with glazed eyes
and uncontrollable tears

“It all starts like this
everyone leaves
eventually”

I lay there
with something on my television
to amuse my eyes

I lay there
my heart skipped a beat
and
not
the
good
kind

HAIR PAINT
 

 

 

 

 

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