Catalyst

It pushed me over the ledge
to free fall between the clouds
no darlings it’s not courage

It pushed me to face my fears
my past to be exact, even though
my mind was saying no
while my heart was bright a-glow

It pushed me to take the first seat
in the rollercoaster from hell
as the wind erased wrinkles of time passed

It pushed me to defy all sense of logic
that took me years of fermentation
to make the perfect strong “me”

It pushed me to swim against
the currents of everything right
and reach an empty spot
in the ocean of arguments

It pushed me to sing
defying all my fear of public speaking
diluting all my shyness in that cup
with melting ice and alcohol

It pushed me to fall in love with
everything “no” because
that’s what’s been going for me
getting me in mess
that I sadistically have had
several affairs with

It pushed me to venture
into fields of “what If’s”
whose consequences shielded
my brightest hopes and shook
my bravest of knights

It pushed me to create novels
of imaginary futures
of the perfect life
whose missing puzzle pieces
were never to be found
creating imperfection

It pushed me to dance with strangers
whose eyes wooed me for one minute
one second, till their brains
repelled me back to safety

It pushed me to taste love
as bitter as I remembered it tasting
it resonated on my tongue buds
causing me to cringe and yet crave more

It pushed me to make peace
between the wars of my past
whose arrows still probe
this silly heart of mine

It pushed me to meet new people
whose soul embraced mine
and melted its insecure icicles
that hung like stalagmites

It pushed me to stumble
and fall on so many bumps
so many “shame on you’s and
shame on me’s”
but honey,
whatever I do
whatever years of experience
I earn in stars on my shoulders
badges on my chest
or compile under my belt
It just kept
pushing me forward
whatever it is
that I’ve been doing
I must be
doing
something
right

right?

bite lip finger

 

 

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