Dawn

Jousting thoughts
in the arena of your mind
for no apparent reason
they are fighting
a gory match
till slumber
summons the death of them

Eyes wide awake,
Mind racing,
bed sheets frozen
shadowing your body underneath
with a thin layer of cold separating
your body hollows from the cover

Heart so quiet
you think it stopped beating
Yet the bloodshed
in your mind is keeping your
mental state awake, so awake
it’s bothering your eye lids

They long to close
The eye lashes miss their kin
on the eye lid above

But  you just can’t simply shut them
What’s going on?

The joust still lingers
the television emits vague noises
you can barely hear a dialogue
The shadows of actors play on the wall in front of you
Those thoughts gahd dammit
They revolve around sporadic moments
subconscious fucks with the conscious
you can’t tell what’s real and what’s not?
“Did that happen today? Wait no I dreamt that
Oh fuck, I don’t know” 

Is it possible, can your thoughts
scare sleep away?

Your eyes tear up,
exhaustion is seeping in,
but those eyes of yours
that racing mind, forbid sleep from slithering
through that almost corpse like body of yours

You move your body
to face the television,
hoping for hypnosis and then sleep

The eyes feast, on the movie playing
yet, the processing of the events
has haltered
You “see”, that’s all you do
the link between your eyes and your mind
seems broken
is it the joust? Has is cut the connection?
Have you dived in a vegetable state of being?
Your thinking is halted by the mess up there!

You twist to the other side of the bed
the bed sheets trace your motion
hug your body

You force your eyes to close
the magnetic pull of your eye lids backwards
is fucking with you
it’s not happening!

You put your hands on your eyes
providing an illusion of darkness
a sort of psychological signal
to summon sleep
Yet, you’re still awake
You mumble to yourself
as if conjuring some sort of
sleeping spell

You remove your hands
It’s dawn
the sun is kissing the cusp of your silhouette
You wonder, your annoyed
with a weird rewarding feeling
You have just made a friend
and her name is
insomnia

Insomnia

Voodoo

From now on,
I took a vow
To look beyond
the transparent veil of bullshit
you so proudly wear

From now on,
I designed my feelings
to reflect on me,
yes, selfish indeed

From now on,
Your confident facade
Will not work its magic on me
I have talked to the voodoo
witch down the street
to concoct a potion for me
that will actually block
the crap you pull

She looked at my palm
As she was mixing her viscous potion
She said
“my child, all you have to do, is to let
her out, she is in there somewhere
and dammit it’s about time”

From now on,
I will not reflect on the past
The falling, the crying
the hurting
I will talk to them in alliance
I will make peace with them
and I will thank them for beating me up
so much, that even my heart grew
a six pack!

From now on, I will put the songs I want
I will walk and skip to the beat of every tune

From now on, I will not
give a fuck, if you’re hurt
or annoyed

From now on, I will go
wherever, regardless of your opinion
I will be messy and I will be classy
I will be loud and obnoxious, I will bite my nails
I will be quiet and doze off
I will replay The Darjeeling limited endlessly
and then when endlessly finishes I’ll watch
the Royal Tenebaums
over and over
I will play punk music and head bang
and I will imitate Dylan
I will sing to crappy pop songs
I will kiss that stupid good looking boy
I will walk and let my perfume seduce
I will wake up in an empty bed
hungover and happy
I have the whole space to myself

I will put flowers in my hair
and I will wear my hat indoors
because I feel like it
I will go for walks to nowhere
and I will dangle my legs
out of the window on road trips

I will soak in the world
and sometimes I’ll shut it out
I will wear my favorite shirt everyday
I will buy a jacket from the men’s section
I will doodle on your car
and I will always carry my doodle pad
no matter how geeky it is
I will have my crumpled pack of cigarettes
and my cheesy pink lighter
I will drink till dawn
and I will love my heart
because at the end of the day
it needs it the most

I will wear my my chuck taylors to a meeting
and I will wear my Stiletto’s at home
I will greet the morning sun
on my grungy porch
naked
letting the sun feast its eyes on my porcelain body
I will take pictures of random things
I will end up watching sunrise on a beach somewhere
enjoying my alcohol settling uncomfortably
in my stomach from the night before
I will laugh out loud, in an unclassy manner
I will put my feet on the table while I read
my erotic novels alongside some psychology!
I will talk about my family and how crazy they are
I will laugh at my own clumsiness
I will sing in the shower and I will cry
when I fucking feel like it
I will walk at night and enjoy
it’s naughtiness

I will let the dishes pile and I will clean like no tomorrow
I will gulp water on that hungover morning from the bottle
I will play with my food and I will get drunk
I will smoke in my room and I will play the BEATLES!
I will enjoy my tom boy-ish appearance
and I will attempt to apply that horrible thing
they call make-up

I will look pretty and I will look untidy

I will walk with my head up high,
I will stomp on the ground like it’s my bitch
I will look you straight in the eye
and then just keep walking
and you know what the best part is

to do all the above
I realized that
I don’t even
have to try

Stripped to her true nature