Adaptation

I have heard those
“I told you so’s” abundantly
To a point, where
they have lost all the firmness
they once possessed
and their subtlety

They used to find power
by inflicting those 3 words on me
They basked under their strength
of knowing, telling me and then
confirming the fact that they did

At first, I inhaled it
like poison, feeling ashamed
at my embedded ignorance,
or can we say stubbornness?

I felt it creep through my nostrils
like smog, thick, dark and filthy
dirtying my insides with judgement

“I told you so”
*Cringes*
Once stamped on your wrist
that dank cheap ink, poisoned
your being,  placed you under a label
of meek ink
you are being judged
before taking another step
into your so called
“new life”
You’re the bouncer
You allowed yourself
into the next party

I still hear it echoing in the distance
I heard it redundantly
entering my ears, slithering their way through
the canals, reaching my brain

Until one day, being the human I was
impulsive, reckless,
myself
wearing different lenses
seeing the world in different ways
than you do
a social expat
I still did see the danger and dove
head first in it
I guess it’s the curiosity
mixed with stupidity
and let’s not forget the
spontaneity

I dove in, with a smile
bearing in mind that I could still
See the cheap stamp
on my wrist
stamped over and over
by different voices
It was a party and
I wanted in

Now, I still gather the shattered
bits and pieces of me
with a drunken smile
and with an over-used heart
I carry them in my purse
as I wobbled my way to exit
of this party, I could hear
the “I told you so’s”
from the lines of blurred faces
on the sides of the door

But this time
I had this smile on
knowing I’d heard it,
that phrase had music now
My, my what adaptation does
it has morphed this judgmental sentence
into music, that pumped me with adrenaline
to enter the next party
with more energy
more serotonin
more stupidity

But hey,
if it weren’t for that
I’d never have a brain full of
inventories and galaxies
filled with
stories
resulting
from
I
told you so’s

Mindful of Stories

The Year Two Thousand and Fifteen-isms

Being human
you are bound to
undergo waves of
changes, with various
tidal oscillations

One day you’re awake and ambitious
others you seek refuge between your sheets
Some days you are filled with joy
and some days you are engulfed
by a gloomy chill that saddens you

You experience love, you fall in love
you embrace it, you act irrationally
you enjoy the stupidity of it all
For no-one said falling is a good thing
those who fall always crash or plan their landing
safely, but in cases of love
the landing isn’t and will never be
part of the equation

You experience variations of love
love for music, love for friends, love for
travel,
diffuse yourself in it, for love in all forms
is beautiful, just let it be surrounded by YOU
Let yourself be the reason for loving and being loved
Never give love a set definition or limit it
to something or someone
Keep on loving
You experience hate, you revert back
to your ethics, then you change that hate
to ignorance, then to forgiveness
You don’t forgive, time enforces it on you
For time will be on your side, regardless
no power can stop it, unless that heart of
yours decides to

You experience friendship and ship wrecks
You will lose lots, maybe for the good
maybe for the bad, but always make room for some more
and always cherish those little few, that you
tend to forget

You relocate, who knows where
and regardless of what, just inject yourself
with the adventurous spirit, actually
just awaken yourself from being bound
by the strains of society
Let your ultimate reality
be your reality

You get scared, it’s fine
everyone does, it won’t be human
if you don’t, just make sure
this fear won’t be a major hindrance

You will have mistakes and you will make many
just let don’t let your past mock you by its
“I told you so”  just give it the benefit of the doubt
you did fuck up in the past, how about you make room for
new ones so as to learn new lessons
For it is from your mistakes that you become
richer, aware, and oh so mysterious

Never seek money, never seek a lot of it at least
just seek what makes you happy, cliche you say
well then stay miserable in the crappy office job
forget happiness,
but what happens if you forget money?
tell me now, what do you want to do?

Never seek social acceptance,
nobody likes a cookie cutter society,
for your flaws are so beautiful, your uniqueness is attractive
and your self satisfaction is the most sexy

Think before you articulate
it’s an underestimated task,
think, let your neurons go wild
let them ignite, create, trigger
a thought process that will make others
gawk at your words, intellect, your perception and
your mental allure

Drink and be merry, laugh at your loudest
hug, kiss, smile, cry, speak, meet, greet
adore, hate, abhor
giggle, cuddle, run, walk
travel, make love, seek the unknown
feed your fetishes, compliment
NEVER ENVY, NEVER COMPARE
enjoy your humanity
in all forms

Listen to your heart,
well sometimes, that silly bastard
gets drunk off of every heart beat

You have an opinion
you are entitled to it
you don’t need to justify
anything for anyone
for you owe them nothing

You have changed in ways you aren’t aware of
every year you get out of that cocoon of yours
and every year you are reborn into a beautiful
butterfly, that lives for a year, an exceptional year

Optimism and pessimism will always be by your side
just find the right balance,
So will your family, there will always pick you up
no matter how deep in shit you’ve gotten!

This is not another New Year New You bullshit

You SHOULD NOT change, you have
worked hard on yourself
to be the person you are today
and
you are loved
because
of
that

Stitch yourself
create a beautiful quilt of
experiences, color
your appearance
tell your story
I bet yours
is
beautifully
intriguing!

stitches

Ana Teresa Barboza embroidery and her relationship between human skin and embroidery.

Facade

She, like an untamed lioness
wildly welcomes the night
by licking her lips
aching to taste that
strong vodka flavor

She, with a tornado of emotions
inside of her, is lead to the
next pub, on that dingy looking street

The smell of fermented vomit,
mixed drinks, cigarettes
fake laughter, unheard cries
all conglomerate on that street
that she passes everyday
to get to her destination

Tonight, she with
ravishing confidence,
with every stomp,
felt different
She ran her fingers through her messy hair
She just felt like it, she knew what she wanted
She is aching for the drink

She arrived, the dimmed light
made it hard for her to see
but she, spotted familiar shadows
She locked her vision on them
and cat-walked her way through
the blurry images.

Her perfume left a trail
of seduction, that lead to her
porcelain white neck

Her messy hair
inhibited the wildness
that she unleashes with the
murky feeling of the night

She sat with her crowd
“one vodka cranberry please, strong”
She lit her cigarette
so as to summon the beginning
of a great night
She knows it and she feels it

As she indulged in mindless
recitation of her day to the gang
She grabbed that bloody looking drink
She smells it,
“Ahhhh”
She readied her lips
to taste the first flavor of sin
for the night

She rested the cup on her lips
ready to tilt for taste
The alcohol, slid slowly
“mmm, that’s good”

Her craving was quickly satiated
As the night progressed, it got darker
and the drinks got stronger
and the cigarettes were much more

With every sip she intakes
a feeling inhibits her
an alter ego you might say
She becomes tougher
She becomes eloquent about her wants
Dammit, she does what she feels like
and brushes off the clinging claws of society
with the simple sentence

“I am tipsy”
Is she? or are we all part of her little game?
Does she conspire with the night
to unleash her true self?
Has her daytime facade fooled us all?

She stretched back,
and twisted her head
so as to massage that silly twisted ache
Her head became lighter
She secretly likes that feeling
but no one has to know
She sat up straight

She crossed her legs
and grinned!
For the whole world in her head
has a completely different view to her
and everyone is
clueless of hers!

Woman at Bar

Power of Doubt

Your silly interpretations of love

Carried me into a disillusioned adventure

That I actually molded and created

You choked me with compliments

Whose fakeness were as real as the nylon bag you chose

You carried me beyond the stars

The stars that hung on my ceiling, not those that hung above

Can my heart be that blinded, shielded by the multiple faces of love?

Do I blame myself into taking this journey with your ghost?

I sat in the bar, surrounded by loud mumbles, the fermented smell of the night before

I took a drag from my cigarette, those long pondering kind of drags

You were not there, but in my thoughts of you being there were unfair

I exhaled, I felt different, my light dimmed,

I was not myself, nor was I lonely, but your stench lingered unwillingly

I diverted my thoughts away from you, but how can you ignore that perfume?

You can’t ignore a cologne, nor can you ignore a memory

Am I lonesome tonight? Not really, I have great company

Yet, you just had to fuck it up, your thoughts had to tarnish

that golden feeling of being liberated…

I thought you were an anchor, you settled me against the anguish waves of turmoil

However, I was mistaken, you pulled me down, into the deepest darkest abyss of the unknown part of you

Have I truly loved you? Sadly yes, my heart was weakened beyond measure

Coating you with the pink attractive cover of a drug

seduced by the color, yet oblivious to the effects that follow

Now comes the question, were you truly in love or were you drugged into feeling so?

Was my naïve heart a playground for you?

Was my dominance a queue for your relief?

Could your reciprocated smile be forced as a reflection of mine?

I doubt, because I felt and you know; at some point; you did too

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A drink called “Reality”

You thought you had it all planned, didn’t you? You are the type of person who plans the day from the moment you wake up, you recite your work tasks while you’re brushing your teeth, decide on when you can escape work to lunch with friends, them call them up and plan a mini- soiree just to avoid having what you call “dead time”.  You have done this for quite sometime, you’re a pro and you like it. You have got the right job, you own it, you’re good at what you do and people know this about you – ego boost right? You have your own circle of friends whom you confide in, drink buzz with – even though they might hate it- you trust and are always a phone call away.

You have it all, the job, the lover the friends, the social life, the extra cash from freelance and there’s nothing that will wipe that content smile off your face.
Life pauses, looks at you, and says ” hmm she’s got it all, or so she thinks,  wait a minute”. Then Life goes on concocting a reality mix  that will slap you so hard, like that lost shot of tequila that you shouldn’t have had!

Suddenly, you wake up with the biggest hang over, blurry thoughts, dry throat with a memory of a goldfish. You wake up, it’s day time, the scent of your past is lurking in your clothes and hair like the ever sticking smell of cigarettes. Your gut, it’s hurting from an over dose of reality, you’re nauseous, you’re hungry and you’re at a loss for words of how to describe this feeling.

You reached a point, where looking back is not even a given, no plans for the future, since your previous blueprint was puked on by who else- YOU!
You are hungover on life, decisions were made and your mental state is doughy! You’re weak, yet strong, you’re confused yet determined but at the end you’re just a MESS! A nice mess maybe, but we all know messy things aren’t visually pleasing- unless you bask in your mess, that’s a different story!
So, morning, hungover, mess, blurry thoughts “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”

As your sober thoughts start creeping in you get a hold of reality, you are alone, your lover disappeared, your past seems like a watered down cocktail, fading colors, fading taste and even the ice cubes that chilled it, melted away.

NOW WHAT?
You gather your loose limbs, get your strength, get up, open the curtains and look outside.. see that, that world out there- it’s still here and you, well pinch yourself, you’re still here. It’s at your disposal, it’s your lover, it’s your mistress, it’s your friend- the world is full of various experiences that help you discover who you truly are!
The world can love you back, when you do- the world can be your imaginary lover, the one who cares for you, feels with you and actually WANTS you to love it.
The world can be the biggest bitch- no matter what, these things are bound to happen and as cheesy as it sounds- all happen for a reason. (I personally didn’t even get a good reason for all the fuck-ups I passed through, but yet some people say patience is a virtue others say, you know it will happen when you least expect it).
The world can also seduce you into taking decisions and doing things that are pleasurable yet morally wrong. These don’t pertain to one specific aspect, yet each person can mold this statement into something that suits him/her. You are blinded by the lusty feeling, you are not in love, you are seduced, bewitched, yet you just can’t grasp that part of the world- for everyone knows love affairs are pleasurable and brief and someone is bound to get hurt- yet AT THAT MOMENT you don’t want to foresee you want to just BE!

You can never get enough, another time life gives you one of its cocktails, you will light a cigarette, take that first “tasting” sip and confidently enjoy it!

Light it up hunny!

Light it up honey! 

This is dedicated to those who looked back at life when shut down, laughed and said “try again bitch”.