Things That Never Left My Skull & Heart

What is a situationship?

Do you even love me?

What do you want to know about me?

I’d prefer you tell what goes on in your mind.


Why is a read message, unanswered?


Why does dotting the I’s and crossing the t’s scare you?

What am I to you?

What are you to me?

Are we even friends?

Where do you see yourself?

Why do you always leave your heart behind bars and your brain outside of your skull?

How do you know how to manipulate so much?

Am I fat?

Am I old?

Am I too old? Too young?

Am I not approachable? Not datable?

Why can’t I fall in love again? or out of it?

Define yourself, really.

Is that tarot reading correct?

Did I forget the 1,2,3’s of living correctly?

What happened?

What happened to us?

What happened to them? You?

Did time do me well?

Did time screw me well?

Am I stupid for believing? For falling? For forgiving?

Am I doing the right thing?

Should I not be doing the right thing?

Are you afraid of what people will say?

Are you afraid of the truth?

Am I belittling myself? Or blowing my ego?

Should I step away? Or step in?

Should I confront? Or let it go?

Do you even give 2 shits? Or are you giving shits to another?

Why can’t I train a heart?

Why can’t I force forgetfulness?

Why can’t I unmeet you?

Why can’t I commit when I want to commit?

Why am I easily read?

Are there band-aids for trust? Hearts? Brain? Traumas?

Why don’t they do the things that are done to them?

There should be a reset button on mistakes.

Life should be written with a pencil, because somethings should be easily erased.

Weight loss should be easy – just like weight gain.

Why do things fall with age? Why don’t they float?

Why can’t I be myself with you?

Why am don’t you like this self?

Why do people like to change others and then leave them?

Why am I where I am?

Is this the chapter where I kinda go off lines and start doodling daydreams that never come true?

Am I too nice? Too mean?

Why isn’t anxiety nicer?

I wish panic attacks are parties to the heart and not boxing sessions.    

Am I just satisfaction?

I know you will never love me.

I know this will never happen.

Am I marriage material? or not?
Why no?

Did me canceling my wedding curse me from ever getting married?

I have love that wears that of a “mother’s love”, “father’s love”, “sister’s, brother’s, friend’s, partner’s, lover’s” but it’s not treated reciprocated.

Are my habits that bad?

Do people like me sober?

Do people like me more drunk?

Am I a good mentor?

Do you think I’m a good listener?

I can’t be two-faced, I am not blessed with a poker face.

Do I love you for the wrong reasons?

Do I even love myself… enough?

What happened along the way?

Why did you break me? Did I deserve it?

“Wakes up, finds self in therapist chair.”  

MMSCENE PORTRAITS: Stefan Stojanov by Luka Boskovic







 

Jenga of YOU

“Build your empire” they said
From day 1,
a plank was placed
and you were taught to walk
“balance, one foot ahead
of the other”,
one fall
two falls
done…
You are walking
on things, over things
You speed your walk
turned it to running

You put another plank
next to the first one
You are building
You are taller
and you can walk higher

You can think better
maybe not wiser…yet
build better,
fast-forward
You have a little building
made up of
years, experience,
friends, loves,
being, existing,
disappearing

Some moments
you take a step back
you look at your building blocks
some have them in blogs
in pictures,
in possessions,
in history, in inheritance, in trust  
in awards, in whatever
grows you

It’s a Jenga of you
but sometimes
there decisions pop-up
mushroom, more likely
you’re forced to remove somethings
wisely
meticulously
slowly
no shaky hands allowed
just pure confidence
grab that damn block
slowly pull it out
you’ll be fine
“maybe”
but you have to make that decision
don’t worry
it’s frightening
after all this effort
to stand in your place
when you thought
you reached stability …

Is it “st—ability”
because you stand
“st—ill”— in your “ability”?


It’s ok
life is a funny game
you learn this

Take a deep breath
make the decision
pull it
Pull it
PULL it
PULL ITTT!


and wait..
wait and observe
decisions ripple
they shake your core
sometimes it’s
the adrenaline shakes
others it’s the
fear shakes
the ”unknown shakes”
but…

Wait,
round 2
another decision
over the other
you didn’t even fill the space yet
wait,
you ask yourself
“Do I have to?”
“Now?”

It’s your turn
you look at the situation
from left to right
right to left
a 360-degree circle
eyes studying
brain processing

pull it
Pull it
PULL it
PULL ITTT!

Shaky hands
Fear
Adrenaline
Unknown

Did we just decode
the recipe for Anxiety?

pull it
Pull it
PULL it
PULL ITTT!

*A wobbling

tower of you
sways left and right
finding its balance*

What now?
Wait..
wait and observe
decisions ripple
….

Round 3
Oh,
ALREADY?
Give me a break…

Life: Huh? What’s that?


“Build your empire” they said
From day 1,
a plank was placed
and you were taught to walk
“balance, one foot ahead
of the other”,
one fall
two falls
done…
You are walking
on things, over things
You speed your walk
turned it to running

You put another plank
next to the first one
You are building
You are taller
and you can walk higher

You can think better
maybe not wiser…yet
build better,
fast-forward
You have a little building
made up of
years, experience,
friends, loves,
being, existing,
disappearing

Some moments
you take a step back
you look at your building blocks
some have them in blogs
in pictures,
in possessions,
in history, in inheritance, in trust  
in awards, in whatever
grows you

It’s a Jenga of you
but sometimes
there decisions pop-up
mushroom, more likely
you’re forced to remove somethings
wisely
meticulously
slowly
no shaky hands allowed
just pure confidence
grab that damn block
slowly pull it out
you’ll be fine
“maybe”
but you have to make that decision
don’t worry
it’s frightening
after all this effort
to stand in your place
when you thought
you reached stability …

Is it “st—ability”
because you stand
“st—ill”— in your “ability”?


It’s ok
life is a funny game
you learn this

Take a deep breath
make the decision
pull it
Pull it
PULL it
PULL ITTT!


and wait..
wait and observe
decisions ripple
they shake your core
sometimes it’s
the adrenaline shakes
others it’s the
fear shakes
the ”unknown shakes”
but…

Wait,
round 2
another decision
over the other
you didn’t even fill the space yet
wait,
you ask yourself
“Do I have to?”
“Now?”

It’s your turn
you look at the situation
from left to right
right to left
a 360-degree circle
eyes studying
brain processing

pull it
Pull it
PULL it
PULL ITTT!

Shaky hands
Fear
Adrenaline
Unknown

Did we just decode
the recipe for Anxiety?

pull it
Pull it
PULL it
PULL ITTT!

*A wobbling

tower of you
sways left and right
finding its balance*

What now?
Wait..
wait and observe
decisions ripple
….

Round 3
Oh,
ALREADY?

(Jenga: The name comes from the Swahili word “kujenga” which means ‘to build or construct’.)

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sydrobinson1/if-tarot-cards-were-made-exclusively-for-millennials-1?utm_source=dynamic&utm_campaign=bfsharepinterest&utm_term=.rl8vnq38a&epik=dj0yJnU9ODV6N1REZ0Q1ajNIZDJFeFJydGctcW4zekNweXliWksmcD0wJm49bmpPT2k1SUQ5MHBZc25SeEY0TWJaQSZ0PUFBQUFBR1pyNWNn










 


About Time

It’s about time,
I had the guts to say it

“I have loved you”
without the butterflies fluttering
my anxiety to life
to a point where they
clogged my breaths
pushing me to catch them
with maturity

It’s about time
I face you with my courage
dressed with a coat of fear
of losing the toxic comfort
that felt like home but was actually far from it
it felt like I was abroad and experienced home-sickness
but was afraid to say it, because
“we’re tough, we can do it”
but actually, we weren’t
halloween came early,
actually not early halloween
was all year long, covering the
weakness that fed off of what was left
“me”

because I made “me” fit “you”

It’s about time,
I looked you in the eye
and didn’t even blink when
addressed me in words
that strummed the chords of my heart
in ways that orchestrated a symphony of
“no I shouldn’t” with a chorus of “dammit I can’t ignore him”
This hypnosis that takes over like gray clouds
on a Sunday morning at the beach
unexpected but uncontrolled

It’s about time
we write in different notebooks
in different languages for time
has had it’s time playing checkmate
killing queens and kings that once
ruled everything – together
but now rule – independently

It’s about time
we fill fridges with snackable
conversation that used to amuse
afternoons, but now bore it with
history, memories, moments …
(I don’t want to say more)

It’s about time
we pause and look at time itself
it’s always been there
sharing a bench, but personally
I never lent it an ear to listen
because the heart had headphones
replaying the song of “hope”
over and over
and over
again

17th Century Art for lovers, royal wedding Baroque painting by Anthony van Dyck, Historical art