B.A.R (Burn After Reading)

When I write
my mind goes blank
and my papers
rejoice in word

When I write
my soul embraces nirvana
that state of nothingness
and everything

When I write
my eyes dilate
the same way
they do when I
look at my lover
wide, passionate
and fiery
……..
my hands shake in
anxiety and excitement
there’s so much to write
yet my hand isn’t fast enough
to comply

…….
my thoughts
teleport my being
back and forth
like a pendulum
peacefully swinging
between my reality
and fantasy

When I write
(sigh)
I fall in love
I get heartbroken
I fall again, stand up
and do it over and over
in the little world
that my mind’s eye sees

When I write
my smile widens
keeping the secret
that only exists
between me and my paper

When I write
my skin speaks in goosebumps
a language
only I could understand
and my lover could ignite

……
I go down rabbit holes
fly to parallel universes
ride tidal waves
live in worlds yet to exist
taste lips yet to be
beat with a heart
yet to heal

When I write
I become
the wind
to make your
wild fire
spread from cover
to cover
burning
page
after
page

fire hands

Killed Her

I killed her once
and twice
as I sucked the smile
from her lips
when I kissed her

I killed her once
and twice
when I cupped her face
and squeezed the redness
with hands of rage

I killed her once
and twice
when I burned her eyes
with unreal promises

I killed her once
and twice
when I starved her soul
from feeding on simple happiness

I killed her once
and twice
as I shriveled her body
with insults that rested
on her collar bones
like birds of guilt

I killed her once
and twice
as I clawed my nails of loathing
down her feeble spine
that’s barely keeping her up

I killed her once
and twice
as I bit, bits and pieces
of what’s left of her confidence

I killed her once
and twice
as I embraced her with doubt
faking the warmth,
she longs to feel

I killed her once
and twice
as let my fingers untangle
her knots, maneuvering my way
to her thoughts, stitching
assumptions, baffling her

I killed her once
and twice
and I apologize
dear self
you always proved me wrong
and remained
here and
alive
in
every
line

Photography and graphic design by Bryan M. Ferguson

Photography and graphic design by Bryan M. Ferguson

 

Liberate(d)

I have stacked bottles
of loneliness around my room
hoping they can keep me company
with their temporary effect
of distraction from reality

I have kissed too many cigarettes
hoping one of them
will taste like you

I have nibbled on my nails
multiple times
to entertain thoughts of you
in my head as I chip them
in angst

I have twisted my curls
around my fingers
as thoughts of you coil
around my finger
as if conversing
with me, myself and I

I have searched for myself
in the mirror, over and over
for my image of myself
is the one you have
tattooed me with

I have stretched
the mess, my mess
on my bed
filling it with company and warmth
for, it has grew in size
and it has become too big

I have swallowed thoughts of you
every time the butterflies in my
stomach push you to my mouth
then up to my mind

I have shut down the lights
on the billboard of my heart
for my emotions have learned
to burst instead of glow
but now, the roads are abandoned
and my billboard collects dust
from passerby’s and speeding cars

I have bitten too many pencils
to create sculptures of stress
decorating my favorite ornament
with ideas of you

I have….
not
anymore

Egon Schiele

Egon Schiele

 

 

 

Dear Instagram

Do not tell me what my lover should do
for mine might amuse my mind
with precious conversation
rather than my sight
with pure gems

Do not tell me what my body goals should be
for my broad shoulders have carried
enough burdens to strengthen my thighs
to endure the weight of the world
rather than a 6 pack of invested
dollars and an abundance
of empty time

Do not tell me how to behave in situations of life
for my mind has marinated juices that
you have never tasted or have yet to
in order to mold me into a person
your quotes will never square or filter
rather than imprint life’s confrontations
in swirly words pretty to look at
but hard to live by

Do not tell me how to block my emotions
for my heart has learned not to apologize for them
they have a mind of their own,
separate from the mind itself
it settles in my rib cage and beats
to the tune that ripples life through me
and its there for a reason
rather than show pride in hiding them
under layers of regrets, lost opportunities
and “I should have’s”

Do not tell me about the perfect life
for I have tried what seemed to be perfect
and it stitched itself in imperfections
tattooed in my mind
exhibited in my behavior
and written in my eyes for those
who can read between the lines to see
rather than telling me that perfection
resonates in queen sized beds in Bali,
mornings half naked
with perfect tattooed bodies, with somehow
the perfect lighting.. oh yea I forgot
the signature over-sized dozen roses

Do not tell me about how I love
for I have so much of it
that my heart cannot but grow in size
as I age and somehow mature
rather than advise me about gifts for him
and those for her, quotes about the ideal lover
and images of what seems to ooze what this
underrated, overused word means

Do not tell me how friendship works
for time and only time can tell
along with its ups and downs
rather than instill itself in silly sayings
about matching outfits
and overpriced rings

Dear Instagram
Fuck You

Sincerely
Your slap of reality

A bullet of Reality

A bullet of Reality

 

5 Senses

Oh, if only you can feel
the pressure of my pencil
every time it writes about you
you’d be tattooed
with the unwritten
that places itself
in the space between
my mind and the paper

Oh, if only you can see
the world that thrives
behind my eyes,
where the sun rises
every time I blink and sets
every time my eyelids kiss

Oh, if only you can taste
the flavors my tongue
enjoys every time
it wets my lips
as it daydreams
and foresees
momentary
escapes
in my imagination

Oh, if only you can hear
the melody that tunes itself
to the scale of your vocals
as they subtly speak things
the ear can’t hear
but the heart
can
feel
and respond with a
different beat

Oh, if only you can smell
the scent that hypnotizes
all my senses to a numb state
relieving me from the strains
of what I should feel
and embracing me
what I feel
now
and it smells
just like
jasmine
on a lazy
random
summer
afternoon

Wind

Early dawn
the world frozen
time stood still
so did everything else
even her mind stopped racing
after a night of speeding
through thoughts
that danced with
every move she did
under the night sky

Circling her presence
her mind started to ease
as the light laced
the sky with the thin line
of dusk, the first breeze
of tomorrow, erasing
all those steps taken yesterday
that middle ground
between “can I go back?”
and “what now”

The breeze
teleported her body
from the vibrant stomping
dancer to the sway of a
leaf in the morning air
moving smoothly
lightly, balancing on the
sunlight line that’s already
over taking the horizon

Stepping into “what now”
she left her “can I go back”
in the darkness of yesternight
with the lost dance moves
the lost beats the lost thuds
that accompanied every
stomp on the floor

Carrying herself
with the breeze
her mind was clear
a blank canvas awaiting
the wet ink of today
to scribble the lessons
of what’s to be learned
taught, heard, tasted

And she, weightless
floating with the winds of
the morning, down paths
she has yet to discover
yet to experience
yet she let go of the bars
of fear that kept her in her safe zone
her 4 walled room of comfort

The wind grew stronger
and pushed her forward
her say was
disappearing flying
with the gust that caressed her hair
like a lover’s touch on a lazy starry night
quiet, yet the air dense with steam

The wind pushed her
over hurdles, she stumbled
and fell, angry at the wind
she stood up, and pushed back

Again the wind pushed her forward
this time, she saw a pot hole
the wind was merciless,
she tried to wrestle
the force of nature
maybe destiny?

She fell and fell hard
bruised knees, along with
a black and blue heart
that beats a thud
like a broken record
playing over and over
scratched by the tears
and looping over and over
to the wasted time of
a disturbing melody

Gathering what’s left
of her energy
she clawed her way through
that orchestral noise
that illusioned fall
and made her way to the surface
it’s day time
the sun scorching
the heat ..welcome

The wind calmer
the stillness of it all
awoke her sobriety
the brightness of the day
illuminated a world
she was blind to see
scared to experience
with a little black dot
in the center of it all
focusing her
spontaneity
on the
importance
of
it
all

 

Night Air

It happened
going up…
the stairs
enjoying the Friday night air
filled with sins
and things aching to happen

Smiles, subtle
aching to melt the chills
between strangers
like the ice in your drink

Emotions, fluttering
like spring butterflies
with the first gust of March pollen
fresh, awake and ready
to float with the cigarette smoke
of the night
higher and higher

Sobriety slipping through
like sand between your fingers
smooth and complying
with every sip
that kisses your lips
the more time tics
the wider the gap gets
the more your sober self
gives space
to your other self

Stares and glares
vibes and flares
fly within
sparkle eyes
and churn hearts
only those who enjoy
the night air
feel them
see them
submit to the dark magic
as it conjures lovers
plays matchmaker
and triggers courage
the kind that strips
all your layers
and exposes your
core

 

A Little Taste

If I gave you a small idea
of what a wishing star should taste
on your tongue
your body would quiver
to the glow that’s going
to show in your in eyes

Lighting up a world
that’s been darkened
with disappointment
rising a sun, my sun
in that deserted land
that beats shaking the dust
off its calmness

If I gave you a small peek
into what magic on earth feels like
it would shake all sense of doubt
in your adulthood

Pushing you to experience
the rush of “first time”
that has been buried under
years of experience

If I held your hand
prepare to feel ripples of
things I want to say
but my skin says it better

Revealing the content
of a writer’s mind
blunt and raw,
still warm with life
beating to the tunes
of my own chants

If I let you in my world of words
just enjoy the poetry as it claws
its way down your back
with such intensity
that your skin cannot
but enjoy the pleasure
of every word
every stanza
as you float
between
every line

Opening your eyes
to a universe of
me’s

collage galaxy eyes

 

Drowning in Dreams

I drowned in dream
floating from what’s real
into a cage of subconsciousness
on acid

I drowned in dream
realizing that all my days
have melted into one
long stare at the world

I drowned in dream
blurring the lines between
the past, the present
the future and the undoable

I drowned in dream
walking on the thin line
between truth and
fortune telling

I drowned in dream
feeling the chills of nightmares
and the warm embrace
of joyful thinking

I drowned in dream
swimming with my muses
among seas of inspiration
and waves of personal expressions

I drowned in dream
falling into an abyss
of a never-ending anxieties
that should stay where they belong
in the dark

I drowned in dream
catching my butterflies
and keeping them in place
to flutter freely
liberating me
making me feel

I drowned in dream
choking on tomorrow’s unknown’s
holding my last breath
for something
real to
wake me
up

 

 

My Mind Left

My mind left my body
and went wondering
over wishes
held by the stars above
that still shimmer
like the first night
I wished upon them

My mind left my body
and went wondering
down the streets
that have met my drunken feet
over and over, alone
and dancing to my own tune

My mind left my body
and went wondering
down glasses of sliced lemons
and transparent toxins
that drown my inhibitions
after every gulp

My mind left my body
and went wondering
over clouds of thought
random and intense
as they pass by smoothly
making their way
from night till dawn

My mind left my body
and went wondering
and sat on benches
next to strangers
conversing about life
intoxicated by illusions
saddened by the fact
that they are illusions

My mind left my body
and went wondering
and people watching
monitoring the meaning
behind every gesture
every move
every embrace
fabricating my own
stories about their lives

My mind left my body
and went wondering
under dim street lights
dusty with cigarette conversations
rusty with hesitations
overlooking lovers, strangers
friends, and sometimes
moments of firsts..

My mind left my body
and went wondering
dancing with conversations
from her about broken hearts
cheating wishing stars
merciless time
future-reading-palms
and the unfairness of it all

My mind left my body
and went wondering
and settled in curls
twisted and dark
full of mystery
seducing my senses
in silence
flaming my fears
making things clear
the darker the night gets

My mind left my body
and went wondering
and racing
as I lay in bed
watching the ceiling’s color change
as dawn paints its way through
and the lights
welcome my mind
back into my body
making it whole
before

falling…

 

asleep

brain squeez

Retro Collages by Tara Hardy | Ape on the Moon: Contemporary Visual Culture