I went to heal
I spoke to many about you
Specialists, friends, first-encounters
They all know you exist
From the moment I met you
my heart palpitated
I just felt you
without knowing your name
your symptoms
felt foreign
then familiar
&
NOT.IN.A.GOOD.WAY
Seeing you every day
felt like a burden
like attending an exam without studying
unprepared
I feel you approach
without you approaching
and sometimes,
you catch my breath
and bundle it in a lump in my throat
f&8king with my dreams
and then slipping into reality
I wake up
breathless
choking with fear
sweating…
I am attached
but it wasn’t in love
I AM DAMN ATTACHED
but so distant
The weight bagged itself
under my eyes
the anger and fear
cupped my gut
clasped it
slowly squeezing
the logic out of it
all the way to my throat
the acidic truth
burned my throat
I coughed
the truth-reflux
paired with deep short breaths
I am preparing for an attack
I feel it
and no.it’s.not.the.coffee
it’s just it.
IT.
On a sunny day
I took it out to lunch
phones down
fear and concentration
invited themselves
sweaty hands made an appearance too
the eyes never meet
the distance between
froze the sweetness of summer
the air turned cold
it was an unsettling feeling
empty stomach growls
took over the butterflies
that once fluttered
that once sounded like spring
Is this withdrawal?
the sweat?
the cold?
the irritation?
I felt left
but not alone
a ”confused” feeling
joined the table
no food, no drinks,
completely sober
I looked at the squared table
I gathered my might
for the first time
in a very long time
this “left” feeling
felt “right”
and I bravely said,
“I’m going to excuse myself,
I am busy”.
I didn’t feel
the energy I had compiled over the years
was worth putting on the table..
on.this.table
I withdrew from the setting
the withdrawal feeling
left the table with me
leaving anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity, and confusion,
well,
confused – the way they always left me
“Don’t worry, I’m just gonna
tag along for a little while…”
it said…
“At least you’re clear, when nothing was”
I replied.
indiedoodles 